Vulnerable Musings and a Beached Whale

I’m sitting here, in a nice hotel, on a beautiful island, surrounded by amazing creations, and my heart feels as though its broken. How can life be so beautiful, yet so crushing at the same time? Why do we desire more than we need? When do we reach the point where we feel fulfilled?

Time alone is always a good thing. I mean, it’s scary at times to be alone because you’re able to be real and vulnerable with yourself. You’re able to assess your achievements and your failures and to set new goals for yourself. For me, being alone is as much heartbreaking as it is healing.

I love people – I have so much care for others that I feel as though my heart will swell up and pop one day. I truly care for others more than I do myself. And so, time alone holds a lot of significance for me.

Now, for the first time in a month, I finally have some time all on my own, with no one else at all. And I’m sitting here crying. *giggles* Why? I’m not 100% sure at the moment… maybe because I’m proud of myself, yet disappointed too. Maybe because I feel like I’ve done so much, yet there’s so much left to be done.

There’s a large piece of a beached whale outside my window. The smell woke me up this morning along with the voices of the group of locals standing around it. They are digging a hole to bury it now. As I watch them work, I wonder, how does a massive piece of a whale get beached? Where is the rest of the whale? Then I find myself, in a small way, relating to the whale. I constantly give of myself freely to those around me, and sometimes I lose pieces of myself.

Looking back over the years, I wouldn’t change any of it. But that doesn’t mean it hurts less. The good thing is that I’m now at a place in my life where I get to decide for myself how I want to live. Who I want to be. How I am able to best serve others and serve my King. A small part of me wishes that my heart wouldn’t hurt so much… and yet, I know that it’s a gift to be able to feel sympathy and compassion for others and to genuinely want to help them.

To steal a quote from my friend Tina: “Friends break hearts. Friends (also) heal hearts.” I have been so blessed, so incredibly blessed, with amazing friends – old and new. They’ve taught me so much about life and about myself. So here’s to my old friends, whom I miss dearly, and to my new friends who I’m glad to have an hours space from! Hehe.. Thank you all for investing time in me through friendship. Thank you for breaking my heart at times, and for healing it as well.

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2 responses

  1. Today I thought: ‘I wonder if Sarah is free tonight because I miss her & we should hang out” – then I remembered you were gone :(

    I think that poor whale is really missing that piece of itself……..

    • Hi Sarah!
      I have read two of your blogs, and this one is great. Honestly, I believe you have a talent for writing. The good thing about being alone for that weekend is that you can take time to reflect and to give God a chance to speak to you. He is a speaking God, it’s just that we (me included) don’t give Him much chance.
      I hope my response goes. You are in my prayers quite often.
      Talked to Joel tonight. He is fine. He heard from your mom. Maybe you did, too.
      With love, XX & OO. Gramma

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