A Love Letter to my Body

I wish I had always thought you were precious. I wish even now that I could truly believe those words to be true – that you are precious. You see, life has always taught me otherwise.

When you were just a small child, and no one was watching, a man crossed the boundaries of what was acceptable. In that moment, not knowing any better, I allowed myself to believe that you were worthless. And from that moment onward, I hardly gave your well-being a second thought.

I picked up on the effect that you had upon others – they liked you because you were visually appealing – but I had no idea how that could get us into trouble. My thoughts were innocent and I was naïve.

I should have protected you better. I should have fought for you, like I fought for everyone else. I should have yelled and screamed and stood my ground to keep you from harm that night. Instead I stood there motionless and silent – trying to detach myself from the events that were unfolding in front of me. I thought I could separate myself from you. I thought that my mind could forget what happened to you that night. But I never could forget it. And to this day it remains a big part of me.

Those things that were done to you when you were so young – those things that I felt powerless to stop – they were wrong. Those things that were done to you made me feel worthless, empty, and ugly. No one should have treated you that way. But they did. And we’ve learned a few things, haven’t we? We’ve grown a lot, you and I.

Those painful events became part of our identity together. We learned how to be strong together and we discovered our voice together over the years. We learned how to trust our instincts, to lean into the pain, and to embrace healing.

It was all for something. I can see that now. You had a tough role to play in our life, but I thank you for playing it. You’ve taught me a lot.

It took me a number of years to see you, but I see you now, and I won’t ever forget what you’ve sacrificed. And I won’t let it hold us back either. I’m grateful for the lessons that I learnt through your pain, but we’re in this together now. I know better now. I’m going to take care of you now. Because you are precious.

I Heart Ninjas

Those of you that know me can attest to the fact that I’ve always been very open and honest about my dating life. At times I’ve been too open.

As a woman, I find that I am consistently trying to edit myself – to correct my past behaviour and to right my wrongs so that at the end of my story, I’ll have that fairy-tale ending that I always dreamt about growing up.

In moments of vulnerability, I find myself feeling that there’s so much that I’ve done wrong in my past relationships and that I’ve hurt so many guys. It never occurs to me to think of all the good that I’ve done. To think of all of the guys that I’ve encouraged and supported, loved and valued, challenged and mentored.

I used to think that to date a person it meant that I would have to mold myself to fit them, and to never stop trying to make things work. On top of all of that, I am a very loyal person who doesn’t easily let go. When I meet guys who have so much potential, I am instantly drawn to the person that they could be. And when they choose different paths in life, and choose to not be the men that they could be, I find that I’m always surprised. 

In the past, I’ve mostly blamed myself for my failed relationships. But in this moment of clarity, I’m seeing things differently. I’m finally allowing myself to look at my own potential – to value myself for my strengths.

I think I’m a decently attractive girl who genuinely loves and cares for others. I’m good at problem solving, and at fixing things, and I truly find joy in helping others. I love deep conversation, extended ramblings in fake British accents, and anything to do with pirates, ninjas, spies, dragons, or LOTR. I laugh easily, and go out of my way to make others feel comfortable (even if it means I point out my own flaws or poke fun at myself). I’m very real – I show every expression on my face at all times – and am therefore not very good at hiding things. I’m not easily fooled by others, and consider myself a good judge of character. I am passionate about travelling and adventuring, and about learning as much as I can about the world around me. I often make mistakes, but I am also among the first to admit my own failures and to humble myself. I like graffiti, board games, and lounging in the sun.

All in all, I think I’m a pretty good catch.

And somehow, I’ve now realized that I deserve a guy who is healthy and whole. A guy who has the same values and morals as I do. A guy who can handle all of me, who will appreciate all of who I am, and who will love every side of me. At this point, I’m pretty sure that a guy like that will blow my socks off, and I’m not willing to entertain anyone who doesn’t.

So for all of you single girls out there – don’t let the pressures of society convince you into settling for someone who doesn’t appreciate and cherish absolutely everything about you.

And for all of you single guys out there – this is me.  

xoxo

P.s. Any guys who approach me dressed as a ninja and riding a dragon will immediately get bonus points