Earlier this year, when snow blanketed the world outside and new years resolutions were a hot topic for discussion, I sat in a room full of colourful women and thought about the year ahead of me.
We were choosing words. One word each, for what we hoped for over the next year.
I tugged on my thick knitted socks, pulling at pieces of fluff, as I tried to think of the perfect word. I wanted it to say everything. I wanted it to be everything that I couldn’t articulate. I wanted a word that would make the other women sigh and nod.
My mind filled with sub-par words. For a brief second, I began to feel frustrated. The cozy warmth of the room began to feel overwhelming. Stopping myself, I suddenly realized that I was making this into a waaaaayyy bigger deal than it needed to be.
I crumpled up my initial thoughts as if they were notes on a sheet of lined paper and I threw them away.
This word was for me. That’s it. Just me. It didn’t need to be stressful or difficult.
Closing my eyes, I rested my chin on my bent knee and exhaled. That’s when it came to me. That’s when I found my word. It wasn’t mind blowing or revolutionary. It wasn’t a word that would make the women around me sigh and nod. But it was perfect for me. It was exactly what I needed to focus on in the coming year, and I knew it.
I waited patiently until it was my turn, the corners of my mouth upturned in a slight smile.
The word that came to me for 2013, in all of its simplistic glory, was “Stand.”
At the time, I didn’t quite know what that meant for me. I knew that I too often made myself small so that others could shine. I knew that I too often chose silence so that others could speak. I knew that I too often gave up my wants and needs so that others could have what they wanted and needed. Yet I still had no idea what it meant for me to stand.
Life lately, has been a bit of a blur.
But I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because amidst the blurring shapes around me, I’m learning how to stand. To stand for myself.
And it’s so worth it.